Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Some funny stuff I've found over time: How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? Are there any unguided missiles? Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed? Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours? What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about? What was the best thing before sliced bread? When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses? Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg? Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do they call the piece of wood a two-by-four if it's only 1 3/4" x 3 1/2"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I am an eternal optimist. Irritating eh? I can usually see the bright side of anything. The funny thing about my certain brand of optimism is that when something goes bad, I always think of the worst case scenario. This can also be a type of optimism though, since things rarely turn out as bad as I imagine them. When it seems like no agent or editor will ever give me the time of day, or when I can never seem to edit my own work to a satisfactory level, worst case scenario creeps up. All the plots and stories I imagine will never have a chance to materialize, and I'll never be able to share them with anyone. -Motivation is like bathing, it never lasts. That's why we must do it daily.- Zig Ziggler Here is a poem I didn't write myself, but it keeps me relentlessly determined: Don't Quit When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all up hill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest if you must, but don't you quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As everyone of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don't give up, though the pace seems slow - You might succeed with another blow. Often the struggler has given up When he might have captured the victor's cup. And he learned too late, when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out - The silver tint of the clouds of doubt - And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems afar; So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit - It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit. - Unknown -
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
So I edited a very short piece of literary fiction on that new writers group website I joined. There were lots of great metaphors and similes in this snip-bit, but it was pretty abstract. The author sent me a message today that sounded a lot like this: "What are you?? A friggin retard? The story is about hell!!! Not some stupid, insipid, amputation procedure! WTF is wrong with you? It is a response to Blake's "The Human Abstract", which is name checked in here! God damn you're dumb!! WTF!!!!" Okay...so....those weren't the exact words, but the intent was implied, believe dat!! Dude! If you wanted everyone to know your story was about hell then why not just say so? This has just strengthened my belief that literary fiction writers are stuck up. They're like misunderstood mimes who need to suffer quietly for their art. Only while being misunderstood by the masses will they find Nirvana. I know they're trying to be deep and all, but sheesh! Lighten up a bit! I know the rest of us might seem dumb to you almighty lit-fic writers but honestly, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood??? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhh! If they could only read this blog, it would be like vampires in sunlight! LOL! P.S.-I never saw a namecheck...so...a big raspberry on you, you evil lit-fic writer!! Bwah hahahaha!!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
So while I've been continually editing my novel, an author I had been seeing (professionally seeing, jeesh! I could see the wheels turning already!) and I both agreed that I could benefit from getting my novel professionally edited. Great! Right?? Well this is an expensive process, and I'm kind of allergic to expensive stuff; unless of course, it's wearable. So I think about an inexpensive alternative- join a writers group/circle. Great! Right?? Well I travel...all...the...time. So I think about the next solution, online writers circle! Success!! So I register, and the whole website works on a point system. You have to critique other authors works to earn enough points to post my own work to get critiqued. So I start editing this one story and half way through there is some serious M on M action. My eyes bug out of my head so far I need to get down on hands and knees to retrieve said eyeballs from the floor. My editing mojo halted so quickly I got whiplash, seriously, my neck hurts today. Aye ya aye! What have I signed up for? P.S.-For those of you who don't get what M on M means, here's a big hint...getting a Broke Back while climbing tall Mountain guarantees rubber-neckers.